


Vices

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Alcoholism, Bisexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6598168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had a light in his eye Jack couldn't ignore, and Jack can't stay away from him. But he has a vice that is so easily a deal breaker</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vices

Jack knew his friends cared about him but alcoholics anonymous? Really? Sure he didn’t have the best control over it but that hardly called for going to something for people who spent all their time drinking, not for someone who drank a little too much socially or often. 

Nevertheless, Alex didn’t give him much of a choice so he found himself outside where the meeting was being held. He sighed and walked inside, following the directional signs. He expected mostly middle-aged men to be there so he didn’t think there’d be a twenty-something to recognise him. When he stepped into the room the chairs were set out in a circle. Some were sat down already, some were socialising with the others. As expected, there were mostly middle-aged men. He noticed they had one thing in common, tired eyes and wiry facial hair. Maybe his friends’ plan was to simply scare him and not end up like them.

Someone however caught his eye. It was a man about his age with curly hair hard to miss, standing to the side and his headphones in. Jack, being as extroverted as he was, decided to walk up to him and at least try to strike up a conversation. He crossed the room and cleared his throat, getting the guys attention. He noticed the guy’s pupils dilate when he looked at him. Jack brushed it off; it was probably because he’d began to focus after zoning out.

“What’re you listening to?” Jack asked.

“Uh, just some pop stuff.” The guy shrugged.

“Like?” Jack prompted.

“Like Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande.” He shrugged but Jack could sense the embarrassment.

“Nah, that’s cool.” Jack assured. “I’m actually a huge Taylor Swift fan honestly.”

The brought a smile to the man’s face. “I’m Sam. Sam Axler.”

“Jack Barakat.” Jack smiled. 

“Oh damn, an Arab and a Jew. Guess we can’t get along.” Jack could sense his joking tone, not that it mattered because Sam couldn’t say it with a straight face.

Jack played along anyway, shrugging his shoulders. “Meh, I’ve always been a rule breaker. That’s probably how I ended up here. Underage drinking and all.”

Sam smiled again. “Well starting young is never good.” He laughed. “So, real reason you’re here? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“Uh, friends forced me. They’re worried about my drinking so they insisted.”

“Good to know they care about you.” Sam said, a hint of softness in his voice. “Mine’s kind of pathetic.” He said, glancing away and staring at the ground.

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Jack assured. 

“Meeting’s about to start anyway.” Sam mumbled and went to sit down. Jack stated at him for a moment before following him. 

…

Jack yawned as he wiped down the bar’s counter. Due to his co-owner Bryan being out sick, it was just him at Rockwell that night. None of his friends were able to stop by since most people didn’t want to party during the week so he was alone while surrounded by alcohol. Ever since going to AA he’d at least attempted to have some self-control. And to be fair, he had. All he’d drank all night was peach cider, which had barely any alcohol in it. The meeting did tell him he really didn’t want to end up like any of those people, lonely and depressed. 

If there was one thing on his mind from the meeting though, it was Sam. He didn’t get a chance to ask for Sam’s number. The man seemed to be really reserved, not the usual kind of person Jack hung out with. Something about him appealed to Jack though. A part of him felt like he knew but he just ignored that.

When the door opened it was like something answered his thoughts because he felt surprise – and a small tug of disappointment – when the door opened to reveal Sam. His head was down and his hands were in his pockets as he walked in. He clearly hadn’t seen Jack behind the counter yet.

When he looked up his eyes locked with Jack’s.

“Okay, I chose the wrong bar.” Sam said light-heartedly and smiled. 

Jack returned the smile. “Well, at least you went to AA.” Jack replied as Sam sat at the counter.

“Yeah, didn’t have any alcohol for three whole days. Record for me.”

“I’m not giving you alcohol.” Jack said simply.

Sam grunted. “Well, this is the closest bar I haven’t been banned from.” 

“Huh?” Jack asked, raising his brow.

“Way too much drinking so they won’t serve me anymore.” Sam explained.

“Oh.” That began to explain why he was at AA. But from what Jack remembered from the meeting, his decision to better himself went deeper. “Well, what set you off to go to a bar at three am?”

“Why are you here?”

“I asked you first.”

“I’m sure it’s shorter than mine.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “I co-own this place.” Jack shrugged. “Friends wanted me to just try to control my drinking a little more and all I’ve had was pear cider.”

“That barely counts.”

“Exactly my point.” Jack shrugged.

“So you own a bar for a living?”

Jack held back a chuckle, smiling instead. “No, this is just a side thing. I’m in a band.”

The typical reaction to the sentence ‘I’m in a band’ flashed over Sam’s face as hard as he tried to hide it. “Oh… cool.”

“Let me rephrase that, I’m in a band that’s signed, has a few platinum singles, and has headlined arenas.”

The look disappeared and was replaced with a real smile and genuine interest. “That’s actually really cool.” He said. “You should tell me about it.”

“How about you tell me what drove you here; you seemed pretty determined to better yourself at AA.”

“Do I have to?”

“No but talking is a lot better than burying it deep inside you or drinking it away.”

Sam sighed and looked down at his lap. “It’s a lot of things.” He said.

“I’ve got nowhere else to be, you?”

“Might go late.”

“And I don’t tour in a long time. How are you for work.”

“I work from home.”

“Then you’re good to explain.”

Sam sighed again and looked back at Jack. “Well, what drove me here tonight is that my ex has moved on.”

“Oh… that sucks man.” Jack said, teeth sinking down in his lip. 

“Wait, there’s much more.” He said. “The whole reason he…” he trailed off and glanced at Jack, which confused him for a moment before he realised Sam was waiting for a reaction to the coming out. 

“Yeah, he what?”

Jack didn’t miss the quick smile of relief on Sam’s lips before he continued. “He broke up with me because I was drinking too much. I thought if I got control he’d take me back. So I went to his apartment tonight to tell him about AA and…” he let out a shaky breath as tears prickled his eyes. “He had already moved on. Like, I caught them in the middle of sex. Like, I had my own key and walked right in.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “God, I’m such an idiot.” 

“That’s actually… real shit man.” Jack said. “Like, if he knew you had a drinking problem he should’ve helped you get better, not dump you. His loss, honestly.”

Sam gave him a smile. “Thanks, it doesn’t make me feel better, but thanks.”

“How long were you together?” 

“Two years.”

“Well that’s a little over a year longer than my longest relationship.”

“When was that?”

“Five years ago.”

“Wow.” Sam muttered. “I’m gonna guess you’re single by choice?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, she really hurt me so it kind of made me give up on relationships.” Jack shrugged.

“Ah, so your vice is commitment issues.”

“You got me. Guess yours is alcoholism.”

“Well I’m a writer so a shitty life is great inspiration.” Sam smiled. 

“Writer?” Jack asked raising a brow.

“Oh yeah, I write books. People seem to like them.”

“And you make a living off of that?” Jack asked, cocking his head to the side.

“You’re one to talk, rock star.” Sam smirked.

“Deserved that.” Jack said, returning the smile. “But it’s cool you get to do what you love.” 

“Speaking of, what’s your band called?”

“All Time Low.”

Sam looked like he thought about it for a moment before speaking. “You did that one song… uh how does it go? I know it’s about a hooker.”

“Dear Maria?” He prompted. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, it’s really good.”

“Keep up the flattery and I might just let you in backstage for free.”

“Damn, I feel so honoured.”

Jack noticed a sparkle in Sam’s eyes. He couldn’t help but smile at that.

“So, I guess I’m still not getting any alcohol?”

“Nope.” Jack said, shaking his head. “And I don’t totally trust you on your own.”

“Meaning?”

“Well, if you want me to keep an eye on you tonight you can come to my place.”

Sam chuckled. “Well, I’m not used to guys being so forward when taking me home.” 

Jack couldn’t help but laugh in response. “Yeah man, you wish.”

…

“But how the hell do you not have a couch?”

“It broke!” Jack defended. “And I’m usually not home anymore than a month. So I haven’t really had the chance.”

“I’m just asking for your sake.” Sam muttered.

“What? You think I can’t sleep next to another guy?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know you too well. You could pull a no homo on me.”

Jack smiled, letting out a small laugh. “Trust me, it’s not an issue.”

Sam smiled at that. Jack liked that smile, a lot. And he was definitely happy to see it a lot. He definitely wasn’t against sleeping next to him. 

“Why are you even trying to help me?”

Jack honestly didn’t know. He did feel a sense of worry for him. He really didn’t want to let this guy drink himself to death. Even if he was banned from most bars in the area he seemed desperate enough to drive far. Especially since he came to Rockwell at three in the morning. 

He shrugged at the man. “Someone’s gotta care about you I guess.”

“As opposed to my ex?” Sam smiled.

“Yeah, fuck the guy.” Jack responded. “Really, can’t believe he dumped you instead of trying to help you get better. And that he moved on so fast.”

Sam shrugged. “It was probably just a Grindr hook up. Although that is how we met.” Sam chuckled.

“Damn, you don’t strike me as the type to have sex before the first date.” Jack teased.

“Hey I was desperate for something to touch me that wasn’t my left hand.” Sam argued.

“A lefty, huh?” Jack chuckled.

Sam shrugged. “I’m already a gay Jew. Being left handed is nothing.”

“At least it’s not the 1500’s anymore.”

“Yeah otherwise I’d have three reasons to be killed.” Sam chuckled. 

Jack couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face. It was nice to have someone to banter with like this. He hadn’t click with someone like this in a long time. He liked that.

He liked that a lot.

…

Waking up in the morning to see Sam sound asleep next to him was actually really nice. He had to remind himself that this was only to make sure he didn’t drink but something about Sam’s curly hair falling in his face and how his mouth hung open a little made his stomach flutter. He felt tempted to pull him close to him and hold him. In all his one-night stands more often than not the girl would leave before they could cuddle. Sometimes because they had to leave and sometimes because the girl snuck out when they were done. Waking up next to someone who he knew wouldn’t run away was nice, even without the cuddling. 

A yawn escaped Sam’s mouth, moving onto his back and rubbing his eyes. 

He seemed to stare at the ceiling for a moment, probably waiting for this grogginess to wear off. 

“Fuck.” He muttered.

“What?” Jack yawned.

“It’s weird not waking up with a hangover.” He mumbled in reply. 

“I thought you said you didn’t drink for three days.”

“Yeah but it’s still weird.” 

“Maybe it’s another sign to get a hang of your drinking.”

“Yeah probably.” Sam yawned. “Or maybe sober. I think that’s the best for me.”

“Need to be anywhere today?” Jack asked.

“Not really. But I do need to have a few chapters of my book done soon or my agent will kill me.” Sam chuckled.

“What kind of books do you write anyway?”

“Young-adult sort of shit. It’s fun, but deadlines are a nightmare.”

“Maybe I could read some of that.”

“I guess; you could show me your music in return.”

Jack smiled and sat up. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll get my laptop.”

A few music videos later, the two were still settled in Jack’s bed.

“You guys are good.” Sam commented, the two men sitting closely so the laptop could balance on their thighs. “How long has the band been going on?”

“Since high school.” Jack shrugged. “Me and the singer Alex started it. We got along well. Although he almost left my house when he first came over but stayed because my mom was making pizza bagels.”

Sam laughed. “That’s how friendships are built, pizza bagels.” He rested his head on Jack’s shoulder. When Jack didn’t push him away, he continued. “It’s weird how small things can make big differences. Like, someone’s life can be so different by one choice or if they didn’t meet someone.”

“Is that your way of telling me you’re happy we met?” Jack asked, a smirk on his lips. 

“Maybe.”

Jack felt a weird feeling in his stomach, like a fluttery feeling. He decided it felt nice. He wouldn’t mind staying like that for a long time.

But instead of that, Sam cleared his throat and sat up.

“I uh... should be getting home.” He mumbled. “I need to finish off the draft for my new book or my editor will kill me.” 

“Oh… okay, that’s fine.” Jack said as Sam collected his clothes. “You want my number?”

Sam shook his head quickly. “Oh, no. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“I don’t mind.” Jack assured, gesturing for Sam to give him his phone. Begrudgingly, Sam gave him his phone and Jack typed it in.

“Just text me your number; call me whenever you need me.”

Sam looked surprised by Jack’s promise but nodded. “Thanks.” He mumbled. 

…

“So you never told me how AA was.” Alex commented, taking a sip of his beer. Rockwell was cleared out, leaving only Alex and Jack alone in the bar.

Jack simply shrugged. “Well, I can say I don’t want to end up like those actual alcoholics.”

“Dude, I suggested you go there so you don’t, you know that.”

Jack nodded. “I know, and it was a real eye opener. Most of them were miserable, like the drinking basically… took control of their life.” Jack’s mind momently went to Sam. He hadn’t heard from him in a few days but he did send Jack his number. Jack was slightly worried about him, as if Sam had given and started drinking heavily again. He should text him tomorrow just to be sure. 

“Well I don’t want that to be you. I don’t want to find you dead somewhere because you had too much and no one could get to you on time.” Alex said softly. 

Jack’s s mouth gapped open a little. “I… didn’t know you worried about me so much.” Jack said honestly.

“It’s really my anxiety, but that doesn’t change the fact you should be careful. It for your own good.”

“I know; that’s why I’m drinking water instead of a beer. I don’t like the bad habit either.”

“Well it’s good you’re at least trying.”

“Mhm.” Jack mumbled. “I made a friend, actually.”

Alex raised his brow. “A friend?” 

Jack shrugged. “He’s in it really bad, we’ve been talking. Or really, we talked at AA and he showed up here a few days later, at like three am. Talked him out of drinking and he ended up staying at my place.”

“You let a complete stranger stay at your house?” Alex asked, looking close to shock. 

“I know, he even slept in my bed. Only because I still don’t have a new couch.”

“Wow, does he have any vices that aren’t alcoholism?”

“Sort of, he’s a gay Jew.”

“Three strikes, I guess.” Alex chuckled. “And aren’t you forbidden to get along with Jews, anyway?”

“Nice try, but he already made that joke when we met.” Alex rolled his eyes in response. “And anyway, since when do I follow social standards?”

Alex smiled at him. “Good point, but it’s good you made a friend. Maybe he’d help you realise you should control your own drinking.”

“I guess, but I’m worried about him.” Jack admitted. “What if he’s the one who ends up dead? He seemed serous about quitting but we he found out his ex have moved on he was driven here, hell he’s been banned from bars.”

“Banned? Can they do that?” 

“Probably to prevent that dying from alcohol poisoning thing. Or ending up like those alone middle aged men. Although, his boyfriend broke up with him due to the drinking. He could be getting close. He’s not at the complete misery point yet though.”

“How can you tell?” Alex asked giving him a confused look.

Jack couldn’t help the small tug on his lips. “He’s got this light in his eye, like it refuses to extinguish, especially when we do talk and just talk and joke around.”

He didn’t miss the smirk on Alex’s lips. “What?”

“Nothing,” Alex said. “I’m happy you made a new friend. Maybe he needs someone like you to watch over him.”

“And here I thought you were threatened that your best friend spot will be taken.”

“You love me too much to take that away from me.”

“Sure I do, Gaskarth.”

…

A call in the middle of the night wouldn’t be something Jack would expect but he was brought out of his slumber by the loud blaring of his phone. He didn’t look at the caller ID before answering, simply reaching for his phone 

“Yeah?” he mumbled.

“I need help.” He heard a voice slur, Sam’s voice. 

He sat up quickly, any drowsiness disappearing. 

“Where are you?” Jack asked.

“I messed up. I took a bus a few towns over to get to a bar that didn’t know me. It was the only place I could get a drink. Now there’s no more busses and I can’t get home.” He sobbed out.

“Are you drunk?” Jack asked softly.

“Yes.”

“Okay, do you think you can ask the bartender for the address? I’ll come get you.”

“Thank you.” He responded, his voice breaking.

…

After receiving the address Jack trekked out on an hour drive to the bar. Jack didn’t expect the bar to be so far away. He guessed it made sense since Sam claimed he’d been banned from multiple in the area. 

When he reached the bar, he saw Sam resting against the wall, his knees drawn to his chest. Jack quickly got out of the car and speed walked over to him.

He bent down to saw, who’s face was buried into his knees. 

“Sam?” He said softly.

Sam glanced up at him, his face stained in tears.

“Are you okay?”

Sam shook his head and buried his face back into his knees. 

“Can you walk?” Jack asked.

“I’ll try.” He replied, and Jack held out his hand for extra support. He pulled Sam to his feet, Sam stumbling forward, causing Jack to hold onto him, wrapping his arms around Sam’s waist. 

“Okay, how about I carry you?” Jack asked.

“Mm.” Sam replied. With a sigh, Jack bent down to lift Sam up from the knees. He would have to try and be quick since he wasn’t that strong. 

As he stumbled to his car, Sam was still sobbing and shaking in his arms. “I’m sorry.” He said softly, resting his head against Jack’s chest.

“It’s fine.” Jack said. “I’m taking you back to my place, okay? I’ll get you some Aspirin and even make you breakfast.”

“Are you a good cook?”

“No.” Jack admitted. “But what I can make is edible.” 

He set Sam down and opened the passenger door. After helping Sam in and buckling him up, he drove home, knowing it would be a long ride.

…

Jack awoke to Sam squirming in his arms. When they go back to his apartment he felt it was at least a little appropriate to hold him while he slept. It seemed to calm him down and Jack liked the simple feeling of holding someone. He hadn't been emotionally intimate with someone in a while. Physically, sure. But he hadn't had this emotional connection in a while. It felt foreign but it felt really nice. 

"Morning." Jack yawned. 

"Morning." Sam mumbled.

"You want aspirin?" Jack asked.

"That'd be nice." Sam replied. 

Jack let go of Sam - which he did kind of reluctantly since Sam was so warm - and went into the kitchen to get Sam's glass of water and aspirin. When he walked back into his room it hurt to see Sam curled up in a ball, head buried under blankets to block out the light. It almost looked like he was in pain. 

He quietly walked over to him and knelt down beside him. 

"Hey." He said softly, moving the sheet and gently stroking Sam’s hair out of his face. “I got you some aspirin.”

Sam’s eyes slowly opened and looked up at Jack. “Thanks.” He said, sitting up and taking a sip of the water. 

It hurt to watch how miserable Sam looked. The light in his eyes were extinguished, the simple site made him try to think of ways to reignite it. 

“C’mon,” Jack said as Sam finished his water. “You must be starving.”

“Kind of.” Sam replied.

“Well let’s get up and have some breakfast!” Jack grinned and felt a warming in his heart when a smile tugged on Sam’s lips. 

“Thanks.”

After Jack helped Sam to his feet, they walked out into the kitchen. Jack, admittedly, was starving. Half way into the kitchen, a thought crossed Jack’s mind and turned to the other man.

"Do you eat kosher?" Jack asked. 

"I doubt you'd know how to make a kosher meal if you tried." Sam smirked. Jack was quietly thankful he still had his sense of humour while hung over. 

"I thought I should at least ask." Jack muttered. 

"It's fine, most people don't ask. And don’t worry, I'm a non-observant Jew."

"Ah, okay. Do you like eggs and bacon?" 

“Love.”

“Then lets hope I don’t burn them.”

Thankfully, the eggs didn’t get burned and neither did the bacon. Scooping the eggs out of the pan wasn’t a great attempt but they were edible as promised.

“Can I ask you something?” Jack asked idly. 

“Sure, can’t be the worst thing.”

Jack sighed, voicing the words that had been on his mind for a while. “Out of all people, why did you call me? I mean, I did say you could call me if you need me but surly you had other friends you could call.”

Sam stared down at his food, moving it around with his fork. Jack instantly felt guilt settle in. 

“Sorry.” He said. “Is that a touchy subject?”

Sam shook his head, keeping his head down. “No, it’s fine. I just don’t like talking about it.” He took a deep breath. “My ex isn’t the only one who deserted me because of my drinking, he was the last person that stayed. I don’t blame them, I’m way too much to handle. You’re literally all I had to call last night. I’m a deadbeat. An actual deadbeat.”

Jack could only watch as tears ran down Sam’s face. It hurt to see the other man like this. He didn’t know he could feel so strongly about someone he’d only recently met. 

“You’re literally all I had to call. I drain people, emotionally, mentally; hell I don’t even blame my ex for leaving me. I don’t even know why you’re wasting your time on me.”

“Hey,” Jack said. “I have empathy. And who knows what would’ve happened to you if you didn’t have me to call who knows what would’ve happened to you.”

Sam nodded. “I guess.” He mumbled. “Thank you so much for doing that. I know I keep saying it but I am really grateful.”

“Really, it wasn’t a problem.” Jack assured. “I’m the kind of friend you can always rely on, so it was no big deal.”

The light in Sam’s eyes were definitely back. Jack couldn’t help the feeling of happiness that spread through him. He’d always loved making people happy but it was extra satisfactory when it came to Sam. 

He decided to not think too much about why.

…

“I always wished I was that fast at typing.” Alex remarked, looking over Sam’s shoulder as he typed away. Jack and Sam were spending more time with each other, by choice instead of an alcohol related incident. Ironically, it is while at Rockwell since it was a comfortable place during the week, most people leaving after midnight. Sam wanted to work on his writing and it wasn’t uncommon for Alex to stop by some nights. He hadn’t said he would tonight, being the type to have zero planning capability, but he and Sam immediately warmed up to each other. Although Sam looked pretty annoyed with Alex looking over his shoulder that it might not last for long.

“Look, we just met and I’m sure you’re great, but people looking over my shoulder while I write guarantees a back hand in the face.”

Alex laughed and stepped back. “Sorry. What do you write about anyway?”

“This one is in a series.” Sam said. “Over all, it’s what happens when you put magical beings and gay kids in a book.”

“Why am I not surprised you’d write that?” Jack asked with a laugh. “Actually, can I read that?”

“Sure, I’ve got copies at home.” Sam said. “But you have to love it.”

“Even if there’s trashy gay porn I’ll love it.”

“There’s no porn in books for teenagers. dickhead.” Sam said, rolling his eyes.

“Fair, I guess you’re saving that for your next book that’s a gay version of one of those trashy romance novels.”

Sam looked up from the screen and smiled at him. “You know me so well.” And went back to writing.”

Jack smiled fondly at the other man, simply enjoying the look of concentration, how his tongue slightly stuck out of the corner of his mouth, and how his brows drew together under his dark curly hair. The feeling in his chest was back and he really didn’t want it to go away.

Unfortunately, the feeling of Alex staring at him across the table drew him out of his trance. He glanced at his best friend who had an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

‘What?’ Jack mouthed with a small glare, not wanting to disturb his friend.

Alex simply shrugged. “I better get home anyway. I have my own creativity to write down.”

“Dude, we just released Future Hearts.”

“Creativity never stops. You would know if you had an ounce of it.”

“Ouch, hit me with the truth.” Jack smiled.

“Always here when you need that.” He turned to Sam. “Nice meeting you by the way.”

Alex got a small mumbled response and with that left the bar with, what Jack was almost certain, the smallest smirk on his face.

“In case you’re wondering, yes he’s always mildly annoying but he’s good at guitar and has a nice voice so I keep him around.”

“His looks help too.” Sam said with a small smile, not ceasing his typing.

“Why do you think the band’s so popular? He’s all we have to fall back on.”

Sam smiled and looked up at him. “But he’s nice. Hope the rest of your friends are like that.”

“They’re great, Alex just shows up here when he feels like it.”

Sam chuckled and went back to his writing. It was almost closing so Jack was mostly whipping down the bar but not straying too far from Sam. After a few minutes of a comfortable silence the door of the bar opened.

Jack glanced up to see two men walk in. Their faces weren’t familiar so they were probably just stopping by while bar hopping.

“Hey dude, you still open?” one asked. 

“Yeah.” Jack replied but he caught Sam tensing up from the corner of his eye. 

“Awesome, two Jack’s and cokes!” the guy continued as he and the other guy stumbled into the bar, not letting go of the other’s hand as they walked to the bar. 

Sam was still tense, he’d stopped writing, his hands has moved to his lap and his eyes were downcast. 

Oh. It just clicked to Jack that this must me-

“Oh god Sam.” The first guy, Sam’s ex, snapped to Sam, causing both Jack and Sam to jump. “Do you even try anymore? I’m mean honestly.”

Sam stayed silent but Jack couldn’t help but look at him sympathetically. He hadn’t had anything alcoholic all night and he hadn’t for a while. He decided to try going cold turkey again but this time Jack was there for him to fall on. 

“What are you talking about?” Jack interjected. “He hasn’t had a drink all night.”

Sam’s ex locked eyes with Jack. “What’s it to you?”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like you ganging up on him. He’s trying to get better.”

Sam’s ex actually snorted at that. “Please, it’s not the first time he’s tried getting better. He never took it seriously and always went back to drinking. What makes this time any different?”

“Maybe because this time he doesn’t have a boyfriend who would leave him when he needs him.” Jack snapped.

“Oh, you think you’re a better boyfriend to him than I was?” Sam’s ex snapped back.

Sam’s head snapped up just when Jack realised how what he said sounded. Replaying the words in his head made it dawn on him that it really sounded like Jack meant that he was calling himself a better boyfriend to Sam. Clearly he wasn’t Sam’s boyfriend but that didn’t stop the words that fell out of his mouth.

“Yeah, I probably am. And by the look of it he’s doing a lot better with me in this past couple of weeks than you were ever to him in two years.”

“Oh how sweet, you talked about me.” Sam’s ex said mockingly, his hand over his heart. “Well have fun dealing with him. It’ll be a miracle if you can somehow help him get better, Jack.” 

Jack’s face drained of any colour at the bite of his name. Sam must’ve realised too because he looked back up. He didn’t need to say anything more for the three of them to know that Sam’s ex knew exactly who Jack was. The man on Sam’s ex’s arm was clearly confused but that didn’t stop the hostility between Jack and Sam’s ex. 

“You know if you out me know one would believe you.” Jack said.

A smirk stretched on his lips. “I’m not the outing type. But trust me, if I did would it really take much convincing? Everyone suspects you’re not straight. Maybe not gay but definitely love sucking dick as much as Sam does, I do, or this guy does.” His voice was low, as if trying to make Jack feel small, keeping his blue eyes connected with Jack’s deep brown.

Jack held his gaze, refusing to back down now. He’d dug himself into a deep hole already. “Get the fuck out before I call the cops.” He growled

With a final smirk, Sam’s ex took the other guys hand and they walked out of the bar, the door closing behind them.

Jack looked at Sam. “You okay?” he asked.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, sorry. Nick is an asshole.”

“He’s an asshole with good music taste at least.” Jack shrugged hoping for a laugh but Sam’s head was still down.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Sam said.

“What, stand up for you?”

“Pretend to me my boyfriend. He probably wouldn’t start a rumour or anything. But that was big.”

“No, it was nothing. Really Sam.” Jack insisted. 

Sam chuckled. “Well, I’m not really a catch.”

“What?” Jack scoffed. “What do you mean?”

“Did you just forget the alcoholic part?”

“Sam, you’re smart, you’re witty, you’re caring, you’re funny, you are not just an alcoholic.” Jack insisted. He didn’t realise how desperately he was saying it until he finished. Sam seemed slightly started by his outburst.

“And you’re probably good at blowjobs too.” Jack said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

He considered it a success when a smile grew on Sam’s face. “I usually start with kissing.” 

“Then I’m sure you’re good with that too.”

“I don’t know, maybe you should see for yourself.”

“Okay.”

They broke into a silence again. They were just staring at each other. 

“Why did you say that?” Sam asked softly.

“I don’t know.” Jack said honestly. 

Sam closed his laptop and put it away. “I really should get going anyway. I’ll see you later.”

He stood up to leave and Jack simply watched for a moment. 

Why did he say that? Why did he agree to kiss Sam? Maybe it was the confrontation with Nick. Maybe it was just the banter. Maybe it’s because Sam makes him feel ways he hadn’t felt since Holly…

He willed himself to get around the counter and speed walk to Sam right before he reached the door. “Sam wait!” he said, taking Sam’s hand and turning him to face him. 

“Can you tell me something?” He asked, he asked when their faces were so close their lips barely brushed.

“Okay.” Sam replied softly.

“Did you want to kiss me? Not just now but ever?”

“Why?” Sam asked.

“Because,” He said, moving his hands to he had Sam against the door, his hands on either side of him, Sam’s moving to hold Jack’s hips. “I think I just realised it’s all I’ve been wanting to do for a while.”

“Well, maybe I thought you were really hot when I met you.” Sam admitted softly. “But you’re not even gay.”

“Maybe I’m bi, who gives a fuck?” Jack said. “All I know is that I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a really long time. I’m not good at relationships, my three girlfriends can testify, but I want to be something with you.”

“You’re gonna have to go through coming out hell.” 

“You’re worth it.”

“I don’t want you too stuck with me.”

“I want to help you get better. I’m not going to leave you or hurt you.”

“I’m a deadbeat, you don’t want to be with me.”

“I do.” Jack said, barely above a whisper. 

Instead of a verbal response, Sam’s hands moved from Jack’s hips to his face and pulled his face closer so their lips finally met.

It’s not the first time Jack had kissed a guy. In the past it was a friendly kiss, a joke, or an act done when not sober. This was different. He could feel the amount of care in the kiss. He could feel the feelings harbouring between the two that wasn’t lust like with past hook ups. 

And honestly, he wasn’t complaining.

…

“Okay,” Jack panted out. “I guess I was right to say you’re good at blowjobs.”

Sam wiped his mouth as he crawled up next to his boyfriend. “Practice.” He shrugged, resting his cheek on Jack’s chest. 

“Can’t promise I’ll be any good.” Jack shrugged.

“Don’t worry.” Sam yawned. “I just wanna cuddle.”

Jack smiled at that. He’d always liked cuddling but it was always hard to find someone you could cuddle with for a long period of time without it getting weird. The only way to really get that is if you were dating someone. Even hook ups could lead to weird tension.

“I guess that’ll work.” Jack said, running his fingers through Sam’s hair, carful to not get his fingers caught on knots. 

They both drifted into sleep, keeping their comfortable position tangled in the sheets. 

The morning came quick; Sam was still settled in Jack’s arms as the early sun peeked through Jack’s curtains. Jack couldn’t deny how nice this was, to wake up next to someone like this. A one-night stand would’ve left by now but he had Sam here to stay for as long as they would like. Even the fact that they had slept in the same bed before didn’t add up to this. The romantic connection Jack hadn’t felt since Holly, the connection he’d tried his hardest to avoid. But somehow Sam didn’t scare him and he just wanted to take in as much of him as he could, the good things and the bad things.

Jack heard Sam let out a quiet yawn as he nuzzled against Jack’s bare chest.

“Oh god, it’s real.” He heard him whisper to himself. Jack half expected him to move away but Sam simply relaxed back against Jack’s chest, confirming to Jack he didn’t want to move anymore than Jack did. 

“You better believe it’s real, baby.” Jack said, alerting Sam to the fact he’d heard his words. 

Sam flinched his head up and looked at Jack, seeing the smirk that had stretched on his lips.

“Asshole.” He muttered. “Don’t do that.”

“What? I was just confirming your apparent fantasy. How long have you wanted to wake up next to me?”

“I have. I thought it was a dream until I realised you’re still not wearing your boxers.”

“Well then aren’t you lucky.”

“I doubt this is a rare occurrence for you.” Sam teased.

“Are you calling me a whore?” Jack asked in mock offence. 

“If you are should I make sure I have no mouth diseases?” 

“Damn, you’re so loving.” Jack said but a smile sat on his lips.

Sam sat up and stretched his arms over his head.

“Hey, I want to cuddle.” Jack whined.

“Well I’m fucking hungry.”

“Sucks then that I only have oatmeal.”

“Dowse it in sugar and it’ll be fine.” 

“Healthy, babe.” Jack said, the pet-name rolling of his tongue before he realised he said it. 

Sam smiled. “Then add some fruit to it if you’re so concerned.” He said before getting out of Jack’s bed.

“Come back.” Jack whined, stretching his arms out to Sam. Sam ignored him and went into the kitchen, leaving Jack alone in his bed.

Jack surprised himself that what he felt for Sam and the whole oral sex thing wasn’t stressing himself out. He’d mostly ignored his attraction to guys in the past but at the same time, he didn’t really have any nerves over his feelings for Sam. Of course, right now it was only between the two of them and if this whole thing worked out with them he would have to tell people. He decided it was best to ignore that part for now. 

“Surely you’re hungry.” Sam said. “You’re too skinny.”

“I’m lanky.” Jack defended, only to be met with Sam pecking his lips. Jack smiled up him. He forgot how good it felt to have someone like this.

“Well, you’re still fucking sexy.” Sam mumbled against Jack’s lips. Jack smiled and was about to pull Sam in more but Sam moved away before he could.

“I’m legit starving, so c’mon, I don’t wanna eat alone.”

Jack grumbled a bit but he got up anyway, slipping on his boxers. 

“But really, you only have oatmeal?” Sam asked as they walked into the kitchen. “When was the last time you went shopping?”

Jack shrugged. “I haven’t gotten around to it.” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “No groceries, no coach. How are you an adult?”

Jack gave him a snarky look. “Well sorry I’m not adult enough for you. I’ll go after breakfast; hell you can come if you want.” 

Sam laughed. “Okay fine, if you can’t adult on your own.” He teased.

Instead of shooting a snarky response, Jack leaned over and pecked Sam lips. “What was that for?”

“Nothing, I just felt like it.”

Sam smiled at Jack, taking his face in his hands and bringing their lips together again, for a little longer than previously. However, the sound of Sam stomach pulled them apart. 

Jack let out a small laugh. “I think we better get to that breakfast.”

…

“I think you need a bit more than chips and cereal.” Sam commented, staring at Jack’s trolley.

“No, there’s milk, eggs, and bacon.”

“You want me to be a terrible Jew, don’t you?”

“Hey, you’re a terrible Jew on your own, Mr. Non-observant Jew.” 

“Touché.” Sam muttered, pushing the trolley as Jack added more snack foods to his collection. “What can I say about you? I don’t even know weather you’re just not Muslim or just a terrible one.”

“Greek Orthodox, actually. Not too surprising since like a third of Lebanon isn’t Muslim.” Jack shrugged. “I was born there actually.”

“Really?”

Jack nodded. “Family moved when I was a baby due to the war. We were definitely one of the lucky ones.”

“Definitely lucky.” Sam agreed. “Have you been back up?”

“Couple times, my parents have a house there so I go sometimes.” Jack shrugged, scanning the shelves. “It’s nice, pretty different, but nice. How’d you’re family end up here?”

“Ancestors moved here in the early 1900’s. which I’m sure you can guess was good for all of us.”

Jack glanced over at him. “Fuck, that is lucky.”

Sam shrugged. “Well, anyway, back to what I was saying; you need real food.”

“Can you cook?” 

“Enough.”

“Well I can’t.”

“Why don’t you know how to cook anyway?”

“I started touring so early that I just got used to eating out.” 

“If only we were all so lucky rock star.” Sam muttered pushing the trolley along. “You need to do more than eggs and bacon.”

Jack rolled his eyes following along. “It’s a lot easier to order pizza though.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “If that’s how you wanna live your life I can’t sto-“ He cut himself off and stopped in the middle of the isle, clutching the trolleys handle bar so tight his knuckles turned white. Jack followed his gaze to see his eye had caught the alcohol. 

“Sam,” Jack said, gently tugging on his elbow. “Remember how you were teasing me for my inability to cook?” 

Sam’s eyes stayed on the alcohol, ignoring Jack. 

Jack sighed. “Sam, please, you can make fun of me all you want, let’s just go.” He tugged on his shoulder a bit more and this time Sam turned to look at him. 

“Sorry.” He said, stepping forward again. “I think Nick was right, I can’t get better.” He mumbled. 

“Fuck Nick.” Jack said. “Willing yourself away is a step forward.” He wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist, pulling him close so he could kiss Sam’s head. “C’mon, I don’t need more stuff. I go on tour next month anyway.”

Sam took a deep breath as he rested his head on Jack’s shoulder. “Okay.” He said and let his boyfriend walk him away.

…

The weeks went by quick, a lot quicker than expected. Jack spent most of his time with Sam but they eventually had to part when Jack had to leave for tour.

Jack would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little worried about Sam, he trusted that Sam would at least try to not drink but without Jack to rest on, it was hard to say if he would lose control and let his sickness make his decisions for him. He was slightly tempted to invite Sam onto the tour but he knew Sam would say no and make up excuses why, like he prefers to work without a lot of people around or that he would feel he was intruding or point out no one knew they were dating.

Yeah, Jack still hadn’t gone around to the coming out thing. He’d like to, of course he would but he hadn’t gotten the chance. He should get around to it while on tour. As for his family, they were close and probably wouldn’t have an issue with the guy thing. If anything the alcoholic thing would be a problem. Either way, he knew he’d have to tell them.

“Can we just not take breaks that long?” Alex asked, as they stepped onto the bus. “I miss this bus too much.”

“Says the one who got married and most definitely got laid his entire honeymoon.” Rian said.

Jack snorted at Rian’s comment as Alex simply flipped him off. 

“You are the best, best man ever.” Alex said.

“Keep that up and you might not be the one at my wedding.”

“You say that like you’re actually gonna propose.” Zack laughed.

“And even if I’m not, I can best man at Jack’s.” Alex interjected.

“When I do get married, my best man would be Joe, dipshit.” Jack commented.

Rian and Zack both laughed at this. “You say that like you might actually enter a relationship in the near future.” Rian teased.

Jack opened his mouth to speak, make a joke like ‘what makes you think I’m not dating someone?’ But the snap didn’t come out. Jack surprised himself by this, he was usually a pretty confident person but he suddenly realised he couldn’t wrap his tongue around the words.

Rian raised his brow. “You okay?”

“Fine.” Jack said, his voice breaking. 

Alex glanced at him, and Jack noticed the concern in his eyes. He didn’t question it, knowing Alex’s he’d just bring it up later.

The bus set off and everyone went off to do their own thing, as things typically went. Jack checked up on Sam, who claimed he was working and didn’t have time to talk. Jack didn’t push it, and decided to just read one of San’s books like he said he would. He didn’t really know what to expect from it but so far he was enjoying it. Maybe he was biased because he was dating the author but he didn’t put the book down until they got to their first rest stop.

… 

“So are you going to tell me what happened this morning on the bus?” Alex asked Jack that night when they got to their hotel room. 

Jack glanced at his friend and pulled the best fake smile he could. “What do you mean?” Jack asked.

“You were acting weird is all, something you want to tell me?”

Jack stared at him for a moment and sighed. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you but… just don’t tell anyone, okay?”

Alex nodded. “Of course dude, so what is it?”

Jack sighed again, sitting down on his bed. “Sam and I… we’re… dating.” He finally spoke. It was in the air, out loud, no way to come back. “I know he’s a guy but I just really like him.”

Alex sat next to Jack, and started to rub his friend’s back in comfort. “It’s fine, man.”

Jack looked at Alex. “What, no sarcastic, snarky comment?”

“No, because it’s obviously hard for you.” Alex said and Jack couldn’t deny the honesty in his voice. “I will be honest that it’s not too surprising.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“If you didn’t like him he definitely really liked you.” Alex said. “You were spending so much together and when I saw you guys interact at Rockwell, it was clear there was something there.”

“It’s weird,” Jack said. “I haven’t felt this way about someone in a while.”

“But it’s nice, isn’t it?” Alex said.

“Yeah.” Jack nodded. “It is.”

“So are you gonna tell the others?” Alex asked.

“I want to, but god is it difficult.” Jack muttered. “I didn’t think it would be.”

“Well, I have your back if you need it.” Alex smiled. 

Jack smiled at his friend. “Thanks, man.”

…

Going out to a bar wasn’t an irregular thing on tour, what definitely was was that Jack didn’t go up and hit on girls. It was probably the right time to tell them about Sam but he still couldn’t wrap his tongue around the words. So he just shrugged off any questions he got. He really needed to tell them soon; this tour only went for a few weeks and he’d really like to tell them before the tour ended. He supposed that it wouldn’t be that night. 

He was still talking to Sam, making sure he was okay. Jack still got responses that he was fine and saying he had just been writing. Jack was happy to hear Sam had that to distract himself with. Maybe if he tells everyone before the tour ends he can convince Sam to come on tour so he wouldn’t have to worry so much about him, and admittedly he missed him a lot. He knew the guys wouldn’t mind since their girlfriends had been on tours, but they usually had to go back to work. 

“It’s weirdly unlike you to not hit on girls.” Vinny commented. 

Jack shrugged. “No girl I’m interested in.”

“Nah, I think you just know you’ll strike out with all, like usual.” Evan teased.

Jack rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment. 

“Don’t make fun of him for failing with girls.” Zack said but with a smirk on his lips. 

“Yes, I’m a complete failure with girls.” He said, not a lie at all honestly. “It’s my vice.” He shrugged.

Now could be a good time to tell them, he figured. But at that thought nerves took over him and his heart started to race, preventing him entirely. Goddamn it. 

“It is partly because no girl wants to put up with him.” Rian teased, a snort coming from Alex. 

Jack rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer. Funny how they were all insistent on him getting control of his drinking but then take him to a bar. Although, he wasn’t like Sam so that made a difference.

“It would take a lot of tolerance from anyone. I can barely put up with you.” Alex interjected.

“God, why are you guys so mean to me?” Jack fake whined.

“Because we love you.” Rian said.

…

“When do you think you’ll tell the rest of the guys?” Alex asked later that night when they went back to their hotel rooms.

“I want to, I really do. But it’s like my tongue won’t wrap around the words.” Jack explained.

“Unlike how it can wrap around other things lately?” Alex asked with a smirk.

Jack laughed. “You are such an asshole, you know that?”

“Aw, but you still love me.” Alex said with a smirk. “But really, you know they’ll be fine with it. They just want you to be happy, and Sam is a cool guy.” 

“It’s not that I think they would have an issue with it, I know they will. But for whatever reason I can’t get the words out.” Jack explained. 

“Well, when do you think you’d be able to tell them?”

“Hopefully before the tour ends.”

“Well you’ve got three weeks.”

…

Two of those three weeks went by and Jack still hadn’t told them. He’d definitely come close but he still couldn’t get the words out. He mostly wanted to tell them because he felt somewhat guilty with keeping Sam a secret. And of course there was Nick, who no doubt felt pretty smug to know this information, even if it wasn’t the case when he found out. 

Having it out to Alex helped somewhat, he did trust Alex more than almost anyone, which was mostly why it seemed obvious he was the first person who should know about Jack’s new relationship. It had been five years since his last and Alex knew how much it had destroyed him. Jack had always liked the idea of being in love, but he knew the reality of being so vulnerable with someone and how not only it was so easy for them to hurt you but how easy it can come crashing down. Although, if he learnt anything from Alex and Lisa it was that it wasn’t impossible to come back to someone you care about.

Part of him knew being Sam may not be his smartest idea. He knew being close to someone with a sickness like alcoholism could end terribly if they never got better. He didn’t know why Sam was like this and maybe it was best to ask but he knew that for Sam to get better he needed to at least stay with him and support him on his path to getting better; getting angry when he got drunk wouldn’t help at all.

Of course, that didn’t change the fact that it hurt when he thought Sam could be lying to him and did get access to alcohol somehow and maybe in danger right now. This lead to semi-obsessive texting to Sam, constantly checking up on him to make sure he was still sober. He’d usually get a reply that he was fine and if it had taken him a while to text back it was because his phone had been in the other room so he could focus on working. Jack could do nothing but believe him, he knew he needed to give Sam a little trust that he wouldn’t get drunk. But he knew it was wishful thinking when it came to someone like Sam.

His friends definitely noticed the excessive texting and Jack’s semi-constant worry. He did get questions but Jack would simply lie his way out of it like usual. He would definitely have to tell everyone soon, preferably at once. 

He’d come to the conclusion so that he wouldn’t feel like this on every tour, he would have to tell everyone so it wouldn’t seem weird Jack was dragging some friend none of them had met before (and slept with Jack in his bunk considering there were no spares). Of course, he would have to tell them about the alcoholism which he truthfully didn’t want to, out of fear they would judge Sam or even worse, try to convince Jack to get out of the relationship because they had assumed it was some sort of toxic relationship. It was definitely not toxic seeming how at no point had Sam guilt him into staying, if anything at the start of their relationship Sam tried his hardest to convince Jack to not date him, telling Jack he was noting but a deadbeat. Of course, Jack saw through that, the light in Sam’s eyes reminding him each time that Sam had something in him that was always there when he was sober, the thing that attracted to him to Sam in the first place and possibly what is making him fall in love with him.

Jack was almost finished with Sam’s book. He hadn’t had much time to read it and being so easily distracted didn’t help. He’d mostly read in his bunk, but it was hot that day and it could get pretty stuffy in it, so he parked himself on the couch in the back room.

“What you reading?” Zack asked when he saw Jack laid down on the couch.

“A book.” Jack said, not taking his eyes off of it.

“I didn’t know you could read.” 

Jack ignored him, trying to keep focus on the book. 

“Why are you reading anyway?” Zack continued, his tone much nicer this time.

“Felt like it.” Jack shrugged.

“What’s it about?”

So Jack had decided to pick up one of Sam’s more… adult books. Or New Adult, it was apparently called. Sam didn’t have too many books out, a couple of stand alones and two in the trilogy he was currently working on. This was a book he wrote between it and let’s just say there was a reason he read most of it in his bunk.

“Why do you care?” Jack asked.

“Check your pants.”

Jack glanced down and saw what he was talking about. Oops.

“If you’re gonna read trashy shit please do it in your bunk.” Zack said.

“You say that as if I’m gonna jerk off on the couch.” 

Zack rolled his eyes at that and turned his head to the bus, where everyone was scattered around since it was moving. “Jack’s reading porn back here!” 

“At least he can read!” Came Vinny’s voice, and Jack could hear the smirk on his lips. 

“Thanks dude.” Jack said as Zack walked off.

Thank god he didn’t know it was gay porn.

…

“You should’ve recommend Sam’s book when we were talking about Audible.” Alex teased when everyone had cleared out after Full Frontal.

“Ha ha, hilarious.” Jack said sarcastically. 

“But you really couldn’t read it in your bunk?”

“It was too hot!” Jack defended.

“Then you should’ve done something else if you knew what effect it’d have on you.” Alex said with a smirk. 

Jack huffed, not bothering to respond. 

“Hey, can I ask you something man?” Alex asked, his voice coming out a lot kinder.

“What?” Jack asked, annoyance clear in his voice.

“Well if you’re gonna act all upset about it, forget about it.”

“Sorry,” Jack said sincerely. “Go ahead.”

“How long have you known you were… into dudes? Did Sam make you realise or…” he trailed off and Jack didn’t blame him.

“I knew but… I ignored it. Because I like girls, y’know. I thought it didn’t matter.”

“But if you hadn’t pushed it away, would’ve you kept it from us?”

Jack shrugged. “I guess not, but you know now so does it matter?”

“I guess not.” Alex said. “But when you told me it felt like it was part of this bigger secret you kept from us, y’know?”

“I didn’t think it’d matter; I never saw myself dating a guy until Sam.” 

“But you knew you were into them?”

“Definitely.” 

“So you still hid it.”

“I thought it didn’t matter, okay? I had the choice to only date girls so I did. And after Holly I didn’t want to date anyone at all. So I just thought it didn’t matter.”

Alex nodded. “It’s okay, it’s just unlike you to not tell me something like this.” He said.

“Well you know now, so don’t complain.” Jack said. “I’ll tell the others soon, anyway.”

…

Part way through the bus trip that next day they stopped by a strip mall, everyone going their own way to get something to eat. Jack went on his own way to Taco Bell, since no one else wanted to get it. He decided to eat there, since it gave him some time alone. And he had time to text Sam for a little.

When he got back to the bus the first thing he saw was Alex, Zack, and Rian grouped together like they were in the middle of a conversation but seemed to have stopped when Jack opened the door, their three pairs of eyes landing on him. It was then when Jack noticed that in Zack’s hands was… Sam’s book.

Fuck.

“Why… why do you have that?” Jack stuttered out.

“I’m so sorry, Jack.” Alex blurted out. “They just wanted to see it and I was gonna try and stop them but they got to it before I could and-“

“Alex.” Rian cut him off his rambling. And that was when Jack was being hugged by both Zack and Rian, jack grunting as each man collided with him.

“Okay, that’s not how I thought you’d react to that.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?” Zack asked as they stepped away.

“Is this the part I should say I’m bi, not gay?”

“Still!” 

“Sorry,” Jack muttered. “But you didn’t need to go through my stuff.”

“Then we’re sorry too, but you were acting kind of weird lately. And we thought it was just a book, not trashy gay porn.” 

“It’s not trashy.” Jack muttered. 

“But it’s seriously fine, man.” Rian said. 

Jack nodded. “Okay, thanks. Seriously, thanks.” He said genuinely. “I’m dating a guy too. And I’m pretty happy with that.”

“So that’s who you’ve been texting!” Zack smirked. 

Jack rolled his eyes. “So that’s your way of saying you’re happy for me.”

“Totally.” Zack said.

“Of course.” Rian added.

“Great,” Alex interjected clapping his hands together. “now that we’re done with the mushiness, you can take your boyfriend’s porn back.” Alex said, taking the book from Zack and throwing it to Jack, who caught it quite poorly.

“Wait, what?” Rian asked, looking at both men in confusion.

“Thanks Alex.”

…

When everyone got back, Jack simply decided to get the truth out quickly. When the bus took off Jack just shouted by his bunk ‘I’m bi and I have a boyfriend! See you when we get to the venue.’ Of course, no one let him get away with that and he was basically forced into the front to be met with hugs and pats on the back. He’d expected it but he still appreciated it. He hadn’t mentioned the alcoholism part, that would probably come later if he could convince Sam to come on tour. 

He’d texted Sam that he’d come out to his friends and he sounded pretty happy to hear that. Jack could guess Sam didn’t want to be some sort of secret to his friends so it being out in the open was no doubt good news. All that was left was other friends, his family, and fans. Great.

The end of the tour came quickly and Jack had actually told Sam the tour went for an extra week, being kind of a corny person he wanted to surprise Sam at his apartment. 

After taking an Uber home and tossing his luggage in the living room Jack got in his car and rode to Sam’s apartment, the grin on his face not seizing. When he got there he knocked on the door and waited a few moments. When he didn’t get an answer he glanced down at the car park to make sure Sam’s care was there, which it clear as day was. 

Jack frowned and knocked again. There was still no answer, so Jack bent down to pull the corner of the doormat to retrieve the spare key underneath. He had probably either stepped out or was asleep. 

When Jack opened the door the first thing he noticed was that Sam’s apartment was a lot messier than when he last saw it. No one would expect a 20-something to have the cleanest apartment but almost everywhere was littered with glass bottles. The countertop, the sink, even the ground. Finally, Jack’s eyes fell on Sam, who was passed out on the couch, light snores coming from him as broken glass laid below his hand. 

After standing there for a few moments, jack didn’t scream, he didn’t yell, and he didn’t leave. He silently walked to the cupboard under the sink to pull out a rubbish bag and began to toss the bottles into it.

What the hell did he expect? This is the kind of things you should expect from someone who was at AA. Full fucking blown alcoholism. He finally understood why Alex was worried about him. He didn’t want Jack to end up like this.

Now that Jack thought about it, Sam hadn’t been to AA since they met. 

He didn’t let his anger get to him, he just continued to toss away bottles, and using a dustpan when needed for broken glass. He did it in silence until he heard a meow. 

He glanced down to see Sam’s cat, Xander. He was usually the excuse for Sam to go home at night after spending one too many nights at Jack’s. Jack had only visited a few times by the orange fur ball had seemed to have taken a liking to him, rubbing Jack’s hand as Jack petted his forehead. 

“Do you need food, boy?” he asked when he noticed both his water and food bowel were empty. Xander seemed to just purr in response. 

Jack finished up collecting the bottles, now taking Xander’s safety into account, and made sure he had both food and water. 

A groan came from Sam and Jack glanced at him. He kneelt next to his, his nostrils flaring at the pungent smell of alcohol. He held back a sigh as he stroked Sam’s hair, trying not to get his fingers caught in the tangled curls. 

Sam’s eyes drifted open and Jack softly said, “Hey.”

Sam’s eyes started to water. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Jack didn’t respond, he simply continued to stroke Sam’s hair. It was obvious Sam had been drinking the entire time he was gone. He didn’t bother ask how he got all of it, and part of him didn’t want to.

“I think you should come on the next tour.” Jack finally said.

Sam didn’t argue, he just nodded. Jack could guess Sam knew it was pointless, that there was no way Jack would leave him alone for this long. Maybe he just liked that option better than Jack breaking up with him. 

Jack would be lying if he’d said that thought hadn’t crossed his mind.

…

“Maybe you could convince him to see a therapist.” Alex said, as he scratched Baz behind the ear. 

“I don’t know.” Jack said. “Do you think it’d work?” Tossing one of the dogs’ toys across the room and smiled as both of Alex’s dogs excitedly chased after it. 

“He sure seems like he needs it.”

“But he’s fine when he has me.” Jack explained. “He doesn’t touch a drop of alcohol when we’re together.”

“That’s almost worse, Jack.” Alex exasperated. “Co-dependent relationships aren’t healthy and…” he trailed off, like he decided last minute not to say what he was going to.

“What Alex?” Jack asked. He knew the only reason Alex would stop was if it was going to upset him.

“It seems like it’s toxic enough.” Alex said.

“I thought you were happy for me.”

“I am.” Alex assured. “I just mean that if he really can’t stop drinking, it’s not good. He needs serious help, not someone to go to when he feels like drinking. He needs to control himself, not have you stop him. That’s the definition of an unhealthy relationship.”

“It’s not like he’s forcing me to stay.” Jack defended, throwing another toy with a small grunt. “I’m making that choice. I know his habit is bad but he does want to get better. He just… relapsed.” Jack sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Don’t act like this doesn’t scare the shit out of me, it does. I worried constantly about him during tour.”

“Then convince him to see a therapist, Jack.”

Jack sighed, he knew Alex was right. Now he just had to convince Sam to go.

…

“How the fuck am I supposed to afford to see a therapist?” Was Sam’s answer to the suggestion. 

“I’ll pay.” Jack said firmly. He didn’t want to fight but damnit the more he thought about it the more he knew Alex was right.

“No.” Sam said. “I’m letting you take me on the next tour but you aren’t going to pay for my problems.”

“It’s not a big deal!” He insisted. “I can afford it.”

“No, Jack.” Sam repeated, shaking his head. “I don’t like being a burden.”

“It’s not a burden.” Jack insisted.

“Look, would you like it better if I went to AA again?”

“AA isn’t enough!” Jack groaned. “You haven’t gone in ages.”

“Then I will go.” Sam insisted.

“Are you sure?” Jack asked. “Because it doesn’t even feel like you’ve been trying.”

“Well alcoholism is fucking difficult!” Sam snapped. “My dad couldn’t over come it! My brother hasn’t! This shit is fucking hereditary!”

That shut Jack up. Sam hadn’t mentioned his family were drinkers too. Although, he didn’t blame him for not saying. No one wore that kind of stuff with a badge of honour. 

“I’m sorry.” Sam said when he noticed the shocked look on Jack’s face. 

“No.” Jack replied, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. You need to stop being sorry, it’s not your fault you can’t control yourself.”

“But I’m exactly what your friends feared I’d become.” Sam said softly, his gaze drifting to the ground.

“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get better.”

“I’m shocked you haven’t dumped me yet.” 

“I’m not, Sam.” Jack said. “I’m really not. I want you to get better.”

After another sigh, Sam looked up at his boyfriend. “I think you’re right about seeing a therapist.”

…

Sam saw a therapist on a weekly basis and he’d so far been two months sober. In that time, he’d met the rest of Jack’s friends, everyone warming up to Sam quickly (and not too surprised that Jack was into dudes too). Jack had also been able to come out to his family who took it well, not that it surprised Jack (too much). The dude part and the Jewish parts of Sam were actually taken well (not that his family had ever said anything anti-Semitic around Jack but you never know) but Jack left out the whole alcoholism part. When asked how they’d actually met Sam was quick to say they met when Rockwell was empty and clicked quickly. Not a total fib but Jack did feel somewhat guilty.

He’d also gotten around to come out publically, which went off without a hitch, ninety-nine percent of the reaction being positive. Jack knew people wouldn’t care and would just state how happy they were for him, leaving excessive likes and comments on pictures of him and Sam that he posted on Instagram and enjoying Sam appearing on Jack’s Snapchat immensely. A surprising amount had actually read Sam’s books, not missing a chance to mention the first book of Sam’s Jack read.

Sam still agreed to go on tour with Jack, this tour being on the longer side of two months. It being so long was a great excuse to bring Sam along since he was still in recovery and Jack knew he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the tour if he’d have to spend all of the time worrying about Sam. 

They were touring with the Summer Set and PVRIS on this tour and having bands they were actually pretty close with on tour with them was always a lot more fun, as opposed to ones they didn’t know too well. And two lesbians definitely helped the whole tagging-along-boyfriend case, knowing each band wouldn’t give a weird side eye. 

Sam continued to do fine, and would simply hang out backstage while Jack played the shows usually writing. If he wasn’t, Sam would just stay on the bus with Xander to keep him company. Jack assumed he was just writing, since he usually found Sam in their bunk with his laptop and Xander curled up next to him. He trusted Sam, he didn’t know the areas they were in and alcohol was never kept on the bus. 

One night halfway through the tour, a night that was to be stayed at the hotel, the group returned to the bus. Sam had once again stayed on the bus so Jack went straight for his bunk. Although, he noticed something was out of place. For one thing, Xander wasn’t in his bunk like usual, he was hanging out in the back. That was a strange because Xander had stuck by Sam probably due to the unfamiliar setting. 

Jack looked at him in curiosity for a second and glanced at his bunk. That was when he noticed that not only the curtain wasn’t closed but Sam wasn’t here.

Fuck.

He took out his phone and quickly called him, in hopes Sam would pick it up. Instead, he was met with the buzzing of his phone in his bunk. 

He wasn’t here

“Guys!” Jack called, nerves taking over his tone. “Sam’s gone!”

“What do you mean, Sam’s gone?” Zack asked.

“I mean he isn’t here but his phone is!” Now that he’d spoken the words, his panicked maximised. 

“Okay, jack, relax.” Alex said. “You can try contacting the police while we head to the hotel” 

Jack nodded and called the police as the bus began to drive. He gave Sam’s name and description and he was surprised with the response he got.

“A man that fits your discretion is at the station.” The voice said. 

“What?” Jack asked, a break in his voice.

“He picked a fight at a bar. He was obviously drunk and he was going to have his one phone call when he sobered up.”

Jack took a moment before he responded. “It’s probably him.” He said softly. 

“Well make sure you bring money for bail.” The woman said and gave him the stations location. 

Jack nodded even though the woman couldn’t see him. “Thank you.” He said.

When he hung up he ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Well?” Alex asked.

Jack sighed. “We need to stop by the police station.”

…

Jack watched Sam as he was sound asleep in their bed. He hadn’t said anything when Jack bailed him out, clearly too intoxicated to string words together. When they got to their room with Alex on their tale he passed out ontop of the sheets. 

“What am I gonna do?” Jack whispered, not bothering to look up at Alex.

“I don’t know.” Was all he got in response.

“He was three months sober.” 

“I know.”

“I really thought he was okay.”

“He definitely seemed like he was.” Alex agreed. “Are you going to break up with him?”

Jack shook his head, finally looking up at him. “Of course not.” He said.

“But have you thought about it?”

“Yes. But I don’t want to.” 

“Well at this stage it seems like a good option.”

“But he was getting better!” Jack argued.

“But you can’t keep him on a leash, he needs to be able to get better without you looking over his shoulder all the time.”

Jack rubbed his eyes in frustration. He knew Alex was right, that this relationship did drain him at times but he really didn’t want to break up with Sam but he couldn’t be with Sam if this continued.

With a final sigh, Jack rubbed his eyes. This whole situation had made him exhausted, both physically and mentally

"I'm going to bed." He said and settled in bed next to San, the stitch of alcohol burning his nostrils. 

...

Sam was still asleep when he woke up, the inevitable hangover still waiting to do its job when Sam woke up. Alex was fiddling with his phone so Jack informed him he was going to shower before getting Sam some aspirin. Alex simply nodded with an 'uhhu' before Jack stepped into the shower. He took his time, maybe because he was still drained from the night before or maybe to give Sam time to wake up so he can suffer the damage he'd brought onto himself. It would probably take time for him to wake up though, Sam was a heavy sleeper so god knows what a depressant would do to him. He’d only seen him drunk one other time but they’d both slept for most of that day.

When he got out of the shower he was about to open the door but he could hear two voices in the other room.

“He hates me, doesn’t he?” Sam’s voice said.

“I can’t speak for him,” Alex’s voice said. “But he was worried about you.”

“I told him I was a deadbeat but he still wants to date me.”

“That’s his decision, if you really feel you’re not good enough for him then dump him.”

“But I don’t want to do that.”

“Then let him stay with you but try to get better. Despite last night, he’s been so much happier ever since you two got together.”

Jack took a deep breath. Of course Sam wouldn’t break up with him but Jack couldn’t help but remember what Alex had said last night. He knew Alex just wanted him to be happy, and Sam did make him happy. The alcoholism part sure didn’t, but everything else about Sam made him happy. It just got so difficult when the alcoholism took up most of him. 

“Do you love him?” Alex asked, bringing Jack’s attention back. 

He waited for Sam response, eventually getting one. “Yeah, I’ve loved him for a while. I just haven’t said it because I don’t know if he loves me.”

“Well, if you love him you should really try to get better. Not just for him but for yourself. You can’t rely on each other because that is just going to destroy your relationship.”

“What makes you such an expert.” Sam muttered, probably not intending an answer. 

“Let’s just say my wife and I went through a lot of shit before we got married. Like, ten years worth. He wants you to get better and I know you know it’s the best decision because you’ve tried in the past. Don’t be so hard on yourself, anyone can get better despite extra circumstances.”

“Well, thanks for the fauxspiration but I’m gonna get some aspirin because I’m pretty sure my hangover is trying to kill me.”

Jack heard the door close and when he was sure Sam was out he opened the door. Alex glanced at him when he realised Jack was in the room. 

“How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” Jack said. “Thanks for trying to get through to him.”

Alex nodded. “I know he makes you happy but I hate to see you like this.”

Jack sighed. “I just need him to get better, then everything will be okay. No, not only okay, we’ll be perfect.”

“Jack, it’s not going to be perfect.” Alex said. “That’s just how it is. He needs to get better but don’t expect you won’t fight.”

“But I want it to be.”

“It won’t Jack. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about loving and caring about each other. Those things make it okay that it’s not perfect… do you love him?”

Jack thought about it for a moment. He’d only been in love once before and it ended terribly. He never wanted to be defined by that hurt – even if after he came out news websites took the chance reporting it with ‘Holly Maddison’s ex dates MAN – but it was that hurt that stopped him from pursuing any other relationships. He hated getting hurt, especially by someone he let himself be so vulnerable to. He hadn’t let anybody in like that since Holly but he couldn’t deny it; he was in love with Sam.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “I do.” 

“You should tell him. And check how he’s going.” 

Jack nodded, grabbing his phone and stepping out. The first place he went to search for Sam was the pharmacy. Most obvious place to see where Sam went since he said he would be getting aspirin. He couldn’t have gotten to far, no one liked rushing when they had a hangover. 

When he found the pharmacy, Sam wasn’t there so he asked the woman at the counter.

“Um, excuse? Did a man come in for aspirin in the last like, five minutes?”

“Jewish hair and a clear hangover?” Jack nodded. “I saw him step outside with a bottle of water.”

“Thank you.” Jack said and turned on his heal, starting for the front doors. It made sense Sam would head outside, whether for the fresh air or he just wanted to avoid Jack. When he didn’t immediately see Sam, he headed for the bus, the most likely place Sam would’ve gone. He knew the code for when it was locked so there was nothing stopping him from getting on. 

When Jack stepped on, like he guessed, the door was unlocked. He saw Sam sitting at the front bench, his feet rested on the soft seat, taking sips of his water as he scratched Xander behind the ear. 

“Hey.” Jack said.

“Hi.” Sam said, not bothering to look up at Jack. 

They were both silent, Jack trying to figure out what to say and Sam probably waiting for Jack to start yelling at him, probably breaking up with him. Maybe he should’ve but he didn’t. 

Instead, Jack weaved himself around the table, so Sam would keep his feet up but so he could be right next to him. He wrapped his arms around his waist, bringing him closer to him and kissing his temple. 

“Are you okay?” he mumbled.

“My head hurts.” Sam mumbled.

“No,” Jack said. “Are you okay.” He repeated, stressing the ‘okay.’

“Is that your way of asking why I did it?” Sam asked.

“Maybe.”

Sam sighed. “Jack, it’s a sickness. I can’t control myself.”

“Why?”

“Jack-“

“I really know nothing about you before we met, I don’t know what your childhood was like; I’ve told you about mine. What lead you to it in the first place?”

Sam sighed. “Shitty relationships, shitty parents who didn’t like that their son was gay, or wanted to be a writer, or wanted to write about gay shit. I drank to numb, now I drink because I can’t stop. Like I said, this shit’s genetic; I can’t help it.”

Jack took a moment to reply. “Maybe therapy isn’t enough.” 

“What, you’re suggesting rehab?”

Jack simply stroked Sam’s hair, kissing his temple again.

“Maybe I will.” Sam finally said.

Jack smiled and gently took hold of Sam’s chin, kissing him on the lips this time.

“I love you by the way.”

Finally, a smile pulled on Sam’s lips. 

“I love you too.”

…

It was definitely a process for Sam to get better. When they got off of tour Sam checked himself into rehab. It was definitely the best idea; AA didn’t help, going cold turkey didn’t help, therapy didn’t help; it was the last option with any chance to work. In that time, Sam’s lease ran up so Jack moved his stuff into his place. Sam didn’t argue, instead joking about how they were practically like lesbians at this point, Xander helping his point. 

Jack visited as much as he could but when he went on tour they were completely cut off contact, technology being banned. Jack still had anxiety, not being able to check on Sam made him nothing but nervous. Probably worse than their first tour apart. But after each tour he’d immediately go and visit Sam, bringing pictures of Xander with him since Sam no doubt missed him too. 

“I think I’m ready to check myself out.” Sam said one day.

“Are you sure?” Jack asked.

“I think… I don’t feel tempted to drink. And I can’t stay here forever. I need to be able to do this on my own, that includes when you go on tour. And I miss writing.”

“I’m sure you’re readers were pretty pissed.”

Sam shook his head. “I’m sure they weren’t, this is a great reason to not write. I think I came up with five more novels in my head though, including a few series.”

Jack laughed. “Does your brain ever stop?”

“Not with my job.” Sam smiled. “And if you’re nice to me, I might write a character inspired by you.”

“Fuck, I would kiss you so hard if I could.” Jack said.

Sam smiled. “We’ll make up for all that lost time when we get home.”

…

Sam insisted for Jack to come to BEA. Jack had tried to drag Sam onto another tour and Sam agreed only if Jack came to BEA. Jack never knew there was an entire expedition for books, but he didn’t know a lot of things. 

He got recognised a couple of times but it didn’t measure to Sam’s line of people wanting to get their books signed; apparently he was quite popular in this area of literature, kind of like Jack’s level in music, not extremely famous but still had a strong and loyal following. He couldn’t help but smile at Sam as he met his readers, signing their books and talking to them as much as he could. 

“Wow, I guess I’m not the only ‘rock star’.” Jack smirked when Sam was finished with his signing. 

“Oh please, that’s nowhere near as long as lines before your shows.” Sam scoffed but smiled at Jack anyway. 

“Well, books are different from music. That’s probably why they like me more.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Remind me why I’ve put up with you for two years?”

“But you’re books are also really good so that probably helps.”

Sam smiled. “Right, that’s why.”

Sam had been sober for almost two years at this point, not a drop of alcohol had met his lips. On top of that, their relationship hadn’t been perfect, just like Alex had said. They fought over dumb stuff sometimes but that didn’t stop them from loving each other. Sam was officially Jack longest relationship and he didn’t see it ending soon by any means. 

“You know,” Jack said as they walked around the hall. “I’ve always loved New York.”

“I know,” Sam said. “You always say that when you’re here.”

Jack chuckled. “We should go to central park.” He said.

“You love it there too I’m guessing?”

“It’s a nice park!” Jack defended.

Sam smiled. “Yeah, lets go.”

They made their way down to the infamous park, They held hands in comfortable silence as they walked to the park, Sam letting Jack lead the way. They stopped by the Bethesda fountain after walking for a while, Jack saying he wanted to take a break and sit down. 

“This is a nice place to just sit down.” Sam remarked. 

“It was the closest place!” Jack defended.

Sam smiled. “Okay, rock star.” 

They sat there for a while in a comfortable silence, still hand in hand as Sam rested his body weight on Jack. It’s weird how even after so long small gestures like this made Jack’s heart flutter.

“Hey, Sam.” Jack spoke.

“Mhm,” he replied, shifting his body so he was looking at Jack. Jack took hold of his hands and began to speak.

“I love you so much, despite of the rocky start to our relationship I am so glad we stuck by each other, you mean the absolute world to me.”

Sam was grinning, it was clear he knew exactly what was coming. “I am too.” He said.

“You made me believe I could love someone and not have it end in pain. That I was worth to be loved that way. That I wasn’t unlovable.”

“Can you just get to it?” Sam asked with a smile. 

Jack smiled back and reached into his pocket, going down on one knee. “So, will you marry me?”

Sam nodded quickly, tears prickling his eyes. “Yes, definitely.” He said, taking the ring and Jack grinned too as his own tears came and kissed Sam, so damn hard.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s finished! I’ve been working on this for so long. I’m attached to Sam and this relationship now.


End file.
